The Wordmistress

Glee Club

I am a happy camper.

Tomorrow is my 41st birthday and I must say that there is nothing that I want for my birthday. I am very pleased with the way things have been going. Well, everything but ...

It's hard to say that I'm overjoyed. I still feel like I've always got to qualify my happiness with a modicum of sorrow: things would be terrific if only ... But the fact is that Ross did die. I can't help it. And I've got to start giving myself permission to enjoy a life that is starting to get much, much better.

A year ago, I turned 40. It will always be the birthday that never happened. It was only a month after Ross' death and to distract me, my friends threw a party for me and my friend Stacey whose birthday is today. It was a horrible day. Talking to people, interacting with them was so hard. Any attention at that time was impossible. Remember, Mia had just been born three months before. I had gone through 12 months of constant attention during my pregnancy and her birth. Then Ross' death. More attention. Horrific attention. Then my big birthday. I couldn't handle it. I craved something, anything to happen to someone else: a wedding, a birthday, anything. I was so happy when the day was over.

But this year is different. I have been working non-stop and making good money. One of the places I've been working is my old place of business, the place that laid me off three years ago. I have to say, I love working there. I like the people and I feel really comfortable. And I like the work. It's challenging and I feel like I'm good at what I do. And I also feel like I'm going to be able to pay the money I owe back soon, which is a very, very good thing.

Then there's Mia. She is such a bundle of fun I can't stand it. She's so sweet. Sure, I'd love it if she'd say something, but honestly? I don't mind waiting. She'll talk when she's damned good and ready. Least that's what I think.

Here's what really sticks in my craw though. When someone dies, we think about them all the time. We think about the kind of person they were and how much we miss them and we even live our lives differently, feeling more appreciative about the little things. But why does someone have to die for us to feel that way? I'm ashamed to say it but had Ross not died, we probably wouldn't be talking about him all the time, we wouldn't be voicing how lucky we all were to have known him. We wouldn't appreciate our lives as much as we do. But he had to die for this?

The answer is no. He didn't have to die for this. But the fact is, he did die and so we have to think about that. We have to appreciate our lives and the people and things that populate our everydays. You have to too, even if you didn't know him. Because it has to have meaning. For me, and for you. Okay? If I could have something for my birthday, that would be it. That everyone would live a little more fully, a little more appreciatively and a little more sweetly. Like little Mia. Like Ross. Like I'm trying to.

K?

On Not Writing

Weblogs are funny. When you first get one, you want to post all the time. And you've got so much to say. But then real life kicks in and though you still have lots to say, you've got little time to express it.

I know that sounds like an excuse. I've been way busy lately ... lots of work. But it's started to slow down. You'd think that would have me running for the weblog.

It's like that old friend that you don't want to call cause you don't know where to start. So you don't call. You don't start. You don't even click on your regular weblogs, because they will probably just give you more ideas to write and frustrate you more because you're not writing.

Still, here I am, writing. Gotta give me some peanuts for that.

Speaking of peanuts ...

Miss Mia is eking her way toward her first words. A few months ago I wrote that I thought she had said her first word, bottie, pointing at her bottle. False alarm. In fact, she hasn't said a word. She is all babble city, but nothing comprehensible. Sure, she says mama all day long, but not to me. At her 15-month check-up, I casually mentioned this to the doctor and the doctor promptly scheduled Mia for a hearing test, a routine procedure that is done to rule out any loss so that it doesn't interfere with language development. Well, suffice to say that my folks freaked. I wasn't that worried. She boogies to music and jumps up at the slightest noise. But we dutifully took the test and the little gremlin passed with flying colors.

See, I know what's up. Mia does not want to do anything until she is good and ready. She was that way with every developmental stage. She is supposed to be able to say animal sounds, but for some crazy reason, I only taught her what an elephant says. Does this make me a bad mommy? At least, when I say what does an elephant say, she waves her head like she's waving a trunk and says, "errrrr". Doggie? Not so much.

And she just started saying "bye", 'cept it's another variation on her ever-lovin' "da". She puts her little hat on, waves and says "da" and goes to the door. When she says it she is so proud. She knows she is communicating. There are other words that are coming. She is about to say doll and dog and she sometimes almost roars and barks and meows. Pretty useful stuff, huh?

But most of all, she is always incredibly sweet. Honestly, that kid could do anything anytime, and I wouldn't care. I am definitely the luckiest mommy in the world to have such an amazing kid. The talking is one thing, but that smile. Now that's the best trick of all. And a great reason to start writing again.

The Candle, She Burns At Both Ends

Why haven't I been posting? I've been working. Why haven't I been sleeping? I've been working. Why have I been gaining weight? Heck if I know. I'd like to blame it on working. Maybe it's because I suddenly have money to buy food. But I can't complain. I like the work I've been doing and I'm happy to be able to make a living at doing something I love. Y'know, I always wanted to be a writer. Still in school I never had a plan to get a job as one. I didn't study journalism, or get an internship. In fact, I was extremely interested in booze and boys, if I remember correctly. But I fell into jobs that capitalized on my writing skills and then, one day, I was a writer. It said so on my business card. Externally validated. This morning Mia took a piece of paper from my note pad and tried to tack it up on the dishwasher, imitating how I put her paintings and drawings on the refrigerator. Extreme external validation.

Speaking of her paintings. Get a load of this one.

I, on the other hand, finally updated my professional web site (I know that the link to my samples doesn't work, I temporarily disabled it). I don't really understand html very well but this is a fairly simple page.

I put a moratorium on working tonight, even though I do have some deadlines hanging over my head. I'm aiming for a 10:30 pm bedtime. I can almost hear angels sing when I think about sinking into my nice, crisp clean sheets and sleeping for eight hours! I'm not kidding. Angels. Shit, I think my ears are ringing.

It's definitely good that I'm taking a night off.

Do Re Mi

I went to high school with a girl named Tierney Sutton. She was beautiful and interesting and funny and she became a semi-famous jazz singer. We were fairly close friends back then and I really got a kick out of her, but our bond has definitely faded. Still, I'm always psyched to hear about her success and revel in the I knew her then vibe. I'm not a huge jazz fan, but I think she's pretty talented. She has a new album out so if you are into jazz music, you should give it a listen.

What's the Significance?

Tonight is the premiere of a new show on Bravo, "Significant Others." I'm going to watch it. It looks like a good show, but I have personal reasons for tuning in. My sister-in-law has been working on this show as a production assistant for the past several months. This opportunity came at a good time for her because after Ross died, she moved to Los Angeles with no job and no idea of what to do with her time. Working on the show afforded her at least a little a tiny bit of daytime distraction. The irony is, of course, that the show focuses on marital dischord, and she and Ross were in one of the happiest marriages around. Want more irony? The premiere, today, would have been their eighth wedding anniversary.

Is This Thing On?

I haven't been blogging or even reading blogs lately because I have been extraordinarily busy. Which I suppose is a good thing. When I have had downtime, I've either been cleaning the apartment, trying to catch up with friends or, I'm ashamed to say, playing computer games at pogo. I've always been a sucker for games with levels; as a pre-teen I crawled out of my window, and walked across a field at night just to play pinball in our local bowling alley. Later, I used to tap my thigh on the bus as visions of Centipedes went through my game-addled head. Still later it was Sim City and then the Sims. Pogo has a good thing going over there and they're owned by Electronic Arts, which owns The Sims. Right now for me, it's better than porn.