I am a happy camper.
Tomorrow is my 41st birthday and I must say that there is nothing that I want for my birthday. I am very pleased with the way things have been going. Well, everything but ...
It's hard to say that I'm overjoyed. I still feel like I've always got to qualify my happiness with a modicum of sorrow: things would be terrific if only ... But the fact is that Ross did die. I can't help it. And I've got to start giving myself permission to enjoy a life that is starting to get much, much better.
A year ago, I turned 40. It will always be the birthday that never happened. It was only a month after Ross' death and to distract me, my friends threw a party for me and my friend Stacey whose birthday is today. It was a horrible day. Talking to people, interacting with them was so hard. Any attention at that time was impossible. Remember, Mia had just been born three months before. I had gone through 12 months of constant attention during my pregnancy and her birth. Then Ross' death. More attention. Horrific attention. Then my big birthday. I couldn't handle it. I craved something, anything to happen to someone else: a wedding, a birthday, anything. I was so happy when the day was over.
But this year is different. I have been working non-stop and making good money. One of the places I've been working is my old place of business, the place that laid me off three years ago. I have to say, I love working there. I like the people and I feel really comfortable. And I like the work. It's challenging and I feel like I'm good at what I do. And I also feel like I'm going to be able to pay the money I owe back soon, which is a very, very good thing.
Then there's Mia. She is such a bundle of fun I can't stand it. She's so sweet. Sure, I'd love it if she'd say something, but honestly? I don't mind waiting. She'll talk when she's damned good and ready. Least that's what I think.
Here's what really sticks in my craw though. When someone dies, we think about them all the time. We think about the kind of person they were and how much we miss them and we even live our lives differently, feeling more appreciative about the little things. But why does someone have to die for us to feel that way? I'm ashamed to say it but had Ross not died, we probably wouldn't be talking about him all the time, we wouldn't be voicing how lucky we all were to have known him. We wouldn't appreciate our lives as much as we do. But he had to die for this?
The answer is no. He didn't have to die for this. But the fact is, he did die and so we have to think about that. We have to appreciate our lives and the people and things that populate our everydays. You have to too, even if you didn't know him. Because it has to have meaning. For me, and for you. Okay? If I could have something for my birthday, that would be it. That everyone would live a little more fully, a little more appreciatively and a little more sweetly. Like little Mia. Like Ross. Like I'm trying to.
K?
